tasha1987's Blog

Good or bad day not quite sure, mum I know it's not you it's your addiction

Today I heard you have been arrested for drug dealing!! Part of me feels relief! Happy! Other parts feel bad for you! I know your not a bad person! I do believe this could be a good thing for you! Away from him away from everything a chance to get sorted get straight become the amazing person you once was! Just hoping they give time!!! Just a few months, you need this nothing else has worked, I hope you can finally find the soba you, you once was! My mum :) police will tell me nothing as per! Unless you ask them to which I know will never happen, searching the local paper is my only option! To find out what's going on with your own mother is kinda hard! Just hope that low life scum bag doesn't blame you, your a loyal person and you will end up taking the blame ! Here's to the future the nervous but finally not as worried! I love you mum, here always waiting your daughter x x x 

Doesn't hurt any less! Mum I know it's not you it's your addiction!

So mum, haven't been on while, kinda thought its time to have a little natter! 
 Things still hurt! But I'm either becoming numb to things, growing up or getting stronger! Doesn't mean I miss or love you less!! I still have this feeling that something's always missing! It's a strange feeling like I can't relax sometimes like my mind races 24/7 and doesn't stop, I can go days without thinking about you and something stupid happens like the other day, murder she wrote was on and I remember thinking oh god how much I hated this programme when you used to watch it how Jessica just walked into murder (stupid woman) I found myself smiling and boom your in my head! All the worry rushes back the pain the memories, I struggle to believe that your ok and everything's ok! But then I end up thinking if you understood maybe you would walk away from this dramatic life and take it all away! To make these messed up feelings go!! In the back of my head I know I've lost you forever! But there is still this bit of hope that one day you will wake up and think I want my kids back! 

Always waiting your daughter x x 

I am back! , Mum, i know its not you its your addiction!

Hey Mum,
              I haven't been on in a while, i guess i believed that maybe if i no longer thought about you maybe it would all go away! but it doesn't its always there! God i miss you more than u will ever know! the pain i feel is calmer but the feeling of something missing is always there! I am very rarely angry anymore i think i just knew it was making me ill and couldn't deal with that anymore. My children keep me strong always, Mum you should see them so big its actually quite scarey! but loving every moment i share with them.
       i actually had a dream i got you back the other night it was amazing! you were sat on the sofa like you did with your head in a book drinking a cup of tea! and i would say Mum Mum Mum and then have to say your name, because you were so in to your book! i loved that about you! I miss your smile, i miss your laugh believe it or not aged 26 i miss your cuddles! I miss even talking telling you my problems and you telling me it will be OK after a hot bath! everything seemed OK after a hot bath with you! it used to drive me mad! but now i would happily listen to it over and over again!
             Mum do you ever think about me? do you miss me like i miss you? will things ever be the way the used to be? because believe me i need you so much :-) im still waiting on the day you phone and tell me that this horrible nightmare is over and that your back! for good!
                                                         Always waiting Mum love you so much!
                                                                       Your Daughter!
                                                                                 x x x

Mum, i know its not you its your addiction

Mum, were back in contact, dont know how long its gonna last but i do feel its the start of something new, i hope its the start of something new! you did look like you put on weight! but behind the eyes i see pain! i want you to know im here i want you to know i care, i want you to choose me over the alcohol! i want you to choose yourself! just be strong and fight it all over again! be you! the old you a fun loving person with a fantastic personality! you mean the world to me. My heart is pushing away what my head says and please mum, dont hurt me again! im trying so hard to live with you like this! but i want you to want to get better! i know most sentences in this blog is i want, i want! But i want it for us both. there is still something there tellling me to be ware but im not throwing myself in this not 100% i need that barrier to be there so that if you hurt me again. it wont be as bad! chin up mum, be strong! show everybody what your made of and you can finally stand there and say i beat it! i beat my addiction! ill be so proud and ill be stood next to you saying yep, that's my mum! all my love your daughter always thinking of you! always there! Na Night sweet dreams x

Im sorry mum, i know its not you its your addiction

Mum im so sorry i couldn't help it, i saw an opportunity and selfish enough i took it, i want you back so much i want you to get better and by having him removed from your life maybe you can finally sort your head out and get better! i saw the newspaper article and the man who made all our lives miserable is wanted for his crimes by the police. i knew his address i know where he always is, i want him away from you! that's why i phoned them :(  maybe he can get better himself and when your both better sort things out! but for now i only want you to help yourself and hes made you lose everything! he took you away from me! and he beat you black and blue, he stole your money, he stole food from your mouth and he stole off us! maybe you wont ever forgive me but if you finally get better, my job here will be done..... always thinking of you forever and always your daughter x    

christmas without you, mum I know its not you its your addiction

Merry christmas mum, where ever you are! Todays been hard and without you its been strange felt kinda lost all day, I smiled for my kids as always but inside I cried! I did actually text I even tried to phone but you must of sold your phone again.. Im sick of saying its hard because im sure you already to know after reading this blog one day when your better. Just wanted to say been thinking about you and im worried as your dads will be dead 13 years tomorrow and hope maybe you will actually sit and think about what he would say if he could see you! Get in touch with me please get better soon all my love your daughter x na night sweet dreams x

Wanting to believe those words ive changed, to mum its not you its your addiction

To Mum, the phone bleeps i have a text message from your friend. You left him again, that slight little hope in my heart wants so much to believe that this time it could be the end and wanting to believe those words ive changed. I want so much much for it all to be true. why do you mess with my head so much! if i could i would walk away and never look back but that little bit of hope that one day your words will mean so much more that hurt and anger! there is nothing more in the world i want than you back! I am 25 years of age and all i want is my mum, the old days the way we used to be! i want you! if i could just trust you but you have hurt me so much! The worry became easier but it never went its there everyday! i miss you so much! and today i feel that maybe its the end! and a new beginning. I am here am waiting ill always be here waiting all it takes is proof that your ready to stop drinking and be my mother again! selfish??? maybe, but is it so hard to want what so many people have everyday? to see and hear everyday about  mother and daughters relationship! jealous??? oh yes totally! believe your gonna change??? Nope, my barrier is so high i cant let yo fool me anymore the pain is so hard to budge that i need PROOF!!! i want to trust you i want so much to believe everyday that your back and theirs gonna be no more lies! Hopefully my blog becomes less depressing! prove everybody wrong mum! i know you can do it! I do believe in you and please for your own sanity don't go back to him! Pick me Please!!! love you with all my heart Mum, always waiting!

Thinking of christmas without you makes me sad, its not you its your addiction, To Mum

Hey Mum, Christmas is near and without you it seems impossible, i remember our good days and smile but sometimes that just makes me worse. I just wish you would hurry and see sense before its all to late. Things seem a little easier but it doesn't take the worrying away, i can go hours without thinking about you and then all of a sudden you just pop into my head and i feel sad again. I think about what we would we be doing now? Part of me wants Christmas to hurry up and pass but im doing this for my kids, making it extra special! I hope that your still out there and wondering about me the same as i wonder about you, if you feel anything towards me and your grandchildren. I still miss you every second of everyday and hope one day maybe when your better you can look back at all this and read this, I feel apart of me missing and that ache round me heart i cant shift, the sickness has actually settled but appears now and again, The anger turns to tears and then the tears turn back to anger! but even on days when i sit and think i hate you, i still don't, i long for you to call and tell me your better and hope these feelings disappear! i love you with all my heart mum and ill always be here waiting! Love your daughter Tasha x

To My Mum, Its not you its your addiction!

If i could make you see how much you mean to me, how much you are hurting me, to feel what i feel maybe you would change. I worry about you every second of everyday i cant stop thinking about what your doing? i cant help but worry. i cant help but wish you were better. i look at other daughter and mothers and wish that it was us. to have the a NORMAL relationship. it makes me mad when people talk about there mums, im so jealous i just want everything they talk about. I feel so different to everyone else. i cant be myself. I read up on all the help and nothing helps. i cant shake that sickness away. The day something bad happens ill blame myself. i should of done more. i wish i could do more. there is nothing worse than not having you around. your missing out on your grandchildren s life's and there is nothing i can do about it. everyday i want to hate you but i cant, the pain you cause me and i still want you around. Even when you blame me things, i feel guilty... but i have to realize, this is your choice and your life and you have an illness and hope and pray one day you really do get better. its not you its your addiction! Love you with all my heart mum. always will, Na night x x x

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Previous Posts
Good or bad day not quite sure, mum I know it's not you it's your addiction, posted January 21st, 2014
Doesn't hurt any less! Mum I know it's not you it's your addiction!, posted January 16th, 2014
I am back! , Mum, i know its not you its your addiction!, posted April 29th, 2013
Mum, i know its not you its your addiction, posted January 31st, 2013
Im sorry mum, i know its not you its your addiction, posted December 30th, 2012
christmas without you, mum I know its not you its your addiction, posted December 25th, 2012, 2 comments
Wanting to believe those words ive changed, to mum its not you its your addiction, posted December 3rd, 2012
Thinking of christmas without you makes me sad, its not you its your addiction, To Mum, posted November 19th, 2012
To My Mum, Its not you its your addiction!, posted November 7th, 2012, 3 comments

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